Sometimes, You Lose…
(Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and even the guilty.)
Yeah, I tuck in my shirts. I’d better start with that, because I’ve been told it’s very much a sign of what a dork I really am… 
Growing up, I was a teacher’s kid: kinda smart, a little nerdy, still waiting for puberty to look like it’s hit and I’m forty. I was a bookworm, because I got lost in a world where I could be anything, do anything, look any way, solve crimes, experience life and time periods vicariously. It was wondrous, exceptional, stellar. My room was my sanctuary and I laugh at the basement dweller in the song Online, because I understand all too well. But, there was a time, and there was a place…
When I was in my twenties, I had this favorite place to go. It was amazing. An equal playing field for all. Truly humbling, leveling, elevating… all at the same time. Everyone who showed up there — gosh, it didn’t matter who you were, where you were from, how you looked, how much money you had — you were all equalized in one moment. That sounds like it could be a bad thing, but it soooo wasn’t. It was the kind of place where everyone who showed up immediately blended into the moment without feeling ignored. I have never felt more alive than in that place. I don’t even need to close my eyes. I can hear it, smell it, feel the moment surrounding me and everyone who ventured to that spot. I lived it in person more than thirty times. I can relive it at will, just by calling it to memory
As an aspiring artist, I designed a shirt to wear on these occasions. A piece of artwork I’d seen, with an obscure, historic connection to this favorite place in my world. Those in the know were impressed, which actually surprised me and made me feel a bit special. Those who had no idea of the connotation still liked the shirt without knowing the reference. I was a small-time star. Very small time, but just enough to make me feel great.
On one New Year’s Eve, I made plans to got there with an acquaintance, but we arrived too early. Sometimes, when there’s a drive involved… and inclement weather, it’s hard to judge one’s timing. So, she and I showed up to closed doors and had to demur to another location down the street that was open. And, that’s when I met her.
It started out innocently enough. She was beautiful, hip, a counter-culture beauty that reminded me of Neve Campbell, sitting with two friends of her own. She immediately took to me and our groups combined. The night progressed and we all ended up going to my spot together. I found out they were all from out of town, as were we. I offered up my hotel room as a night’s refuge in the blizzard and the three politely declined in favor of more partying and then driving home after. Yet, as fate would have it, they showed up at 3 a.m., hoping I would not be angry and would still take them in. Well, duh! Of course. They were trustworthy and that was the “code.” We talked a few minutes, then all crashed on the two double beds, dressed but exhausted. and satisfied. In the morning I snuck out and brought back doughnuts. Everyone exchanged numbers and addresses. The girl I’d gone with orignially was from Detroit and just visiting me for the week. (she was actually pretty mental, but that’s another story entirely. Oh my.) Wayne was from Indiana. Greg and this girl, this girl, she was from Ohio. I will refer to her forthwith as Ohio Girl.
When you meet people on a drunken night, or a party circuit, or while out of town, how often do you exchange information and follow up? We did. Unusual, yes, but we had a common ground. That place. That favorite thing in the world. She and I talked on the phone many times, many nights. Usually the calls lasted an hour and a half, and I was paying dearly on my phone bill for this burgeoning friendship. Even when she called me, I called right back. She was still a student. I had a full time job. One of their three fell by the wayside, Greg. He decided he was gay and to change his lifestyle to suit his newfound outness. But the rest went on strongly. Not one month after meeting for the new year celebration, she drove from Ohio to Wayne’s house in Indiana and then he drove to my house in St. Louis. I felt so validated, so wonderful, so indescribable. They stayed for a three day weekend. I showed them about town. We listened to music, watched videos. drank a little, made the worst video you have ever seen. I still have it. It sucks balls.
We made plans for February. We met in mid-Illinois to collect together in one car and make the trek to this spot. I guess I need to explain something here. At this place, there was an inner circle that was extremely popular, hard to get to know. There was an outer circle of people who I knew very well, having developed a rapport over the years. It was clear to me that one of their pet peeves was for strangers to figure out they knew the power-hitters and ask to meet them. Talk about insincerity. So, I never did ask. Not time after time, year after year of going there.
One reason was because the friends I’d made — I didn’t consider them “contacts” or “stepping stones” to rich, powerful circle of people. I considered them friends. But, truth be told, there was another reason. The reason I liked this place so much was its leveling factor. In reality, I was a bit of a nerd, a geek, a dork, a scrawny mid-western poetry girl. I liked the distance, the remoteness of it all. When I went there, to the inner circle, I was this mystery girl who sometimes showed up and quietly disappeared into the night. The place was crawling with gold-diggers and whores. In fact, the reason I designed the historically significant artsy shirt was because I never wanted to be mistaken for one of those.
So, Ohio Girl, Wayne and I went on a road trip to our place. Our “Sedona,” if you will. They were short of cash, so they provided gas money to meet up with me, and from there, I provided vehicle, gas money, food money, hotel money and all other expenses. Hey, they were my friends, right? So, we arrived at our destination. Upon stopping in and greeting my outer circle that morning to let them know I was in town, I saw the inner circle surprisingly there in daylight. The four of them were at a distant side of the room. It freaked me out, because on the trip, those people were the only topic holding Ohio Girl’s interest. I already had a vague feeling of apprehension. Even worse, my two closest outer circle friends were smitten immediately with the Neve Campbell mystique of this pre-Emo, underground beauty. We did leave and went out about the town, took naps, ate, and got ready for our night. I slipped into a black turtleneck and jeans, topping the turtleneck with my art design original that had won acclaim. It’s how the inner circle knew I was there on any given night, from my safe distance of blurred dorkiness.
Ohio Girl, she looked at me and said, “You’re NOT going to wear that shirt, are you? You look like a dork.” I was rather taken aback. She had no comprehension of its meaning, its Picasso-like attraction from worthy newcomers. I sound so elitist. Heh. I didn’t know what to do. Then she added the all-too-perfect “look, I’m just telling you this as a friend, because I care about you.” The shirt came off and for the first time in years, I wore someone chosen by someone else: a rather sleazy bodice topped with some front layer that de-sleazed it imperceptibly. The night actually went well until the last moments. You turn one wrong corner, switch locales to wind down, find a completely dead hotel bar to just discuss the night before we headed home, and boom… in walks Victim 1 (hereby referred to as Single Guy) of the inner circle. To his defense, he was the only single one and was obviously smitten with Ohio Girl. He joined our table and we talked. She watched us talk, but offered nothing as he tried to warm her to him. And then, he asked for us to come back the next night. To our special place. I told him it was tempting, but we had such a long drive in different directions to get back home. He said he’d watch for us just in case.
Argument one broke out back at the hotel. She said we just had to stay, and I was driving, and if we left it would ruin Wayne’s and her life. I told her I had to work. Wayne offered up that he was willing to lose his job over an opportunity like this. It might never happen again. I looked at them there. No money, willing to lose everything, it all hinging on me. Of course, I chose friendship over logic. Night number two proved he did watch for us to show. For the first time, the outer circle had been apprised of our potential arrival. We were met with freed drinks, VIP treatment and later to a private chat area. That sounds weird, but there was a room away from the noise — fully lit, nothing sleazoid, where we sat and talked for an hour or so. Well, not all of us. Single Guy was joined by Victim 2 (hereby referred to as Married Guy) a freshly married man brimming with joy, talking about his family life and pending arrival of a new baby boy. The discussion was actually quite pleasant. I was surprised by my level of complete comfort with these two and chuckled at my earlier fears. They didn’t seem to treat me like I was a dork at all. And, most of the discussion was directed toward me, as she barely spoke. She did manage to say “Give me a light!” And, she muttered, “I HATE that kind of beer. It sucks.” Other than being confused by that, I remember nothing of verbal content from her. To my chagrin, Single Guy tried again with her by altering our plan, my plan to work at a job… He asked us to come back again the next night. Both of my friends immediately agreed, while I swallowed hard at the growing severity of my situation and the apprehension grew.
Argument number two broke out at a truck-stop diner that had private jukeboxes at each table. The night had gone better than ever expected. How could we stop now? We were “in.” I don’t know if I was psychic or just being negative, but I saw this all blowing up in my face. And, I was out of money. I would have to hit the ATM and maybe even do a credit card withdrawal. I was not only out of planned money, and had spent my emergency fund hidden in a key box in my engine. I was now faced with retrieving bill money and running short for the month.
Tears slid down my cheeks as I pleaded to go home and come back another time. But, no. If we were “in” now, it could be short lived. We needed to ensure it. I didn’t want to ensure anything. But, again, I still believe to this day that friendship is worth more than any job. Had it been a “career,” that would have been different. It was just a job. So, yeah, we stayed for a third night. I spent more money on food for all, watched videos, window shopped, etc. The place that night was so packed, there was no room to be a VIP. We just enjoyed the moments alone, knowing that what was to come was to be more special. We went back to our hotel, where a van was waiting for us. My outer circle buddy, Billy, loaded us into it and we were driven to a little corner bar that was quiet and nearly empty. There were, like, two patrons, and then the rest of the people we knew. They had chosen a place which was leveling to them. No one there thought they were rich, powerful or important. Ironic, really.
It was then she pulled me aside into an empty bathroom. Not the first crack in her veneer, but the first telling one to me. She said “the reason I’ve barely said anything to these guys is because I’m so intimidated. And, what makes it worse is… you’re not. You’re completely comfortable talking about any subject, and I have no idea what to say. I blurted out I hate that beer and give me a light, because I was struggling. If you’re really my friend, please do me this favor. If Married Guy talks to me, please just walk away. Please.” I said, “I’ve taken two extra days off work, probably lost my job, spent my money, my emergency money, my bill money, driven us everywhere and you’re telling me NOT to talk to this guy because I treat him normally and we have a rapport? Are you serious?” She said, “if you’re my friend, you’ll walk away. It’s the only way I’ll be comfortable being myself.”
We left the bathroom and went into the main bar. Married Guy greeted me with a huge, warm hug and smile. He hugged Ohio Girl, also, though she didn’t receive it well. I said “it’s so good to see you, um, I have to go over there though. Take care.” He looked really, super confused. Just as perplexed as a face can get. He continued to say he was on his way out. His wife was potentially going into labor and he was actually staying in our hotel, because he’d moved too far away to drive home on weekends. He pointed out Single Guy and asked me to cheer him up. He said that the guy was too drunk, was really down, and would be glad to talk to me. I told him how excited I was for he and his wife, how happy to have seen him before he left, (and to his confused face) hugged him goodbye and walked away as previously asked, leaving Ohio Girl alone with Married Guy. I walked over to Single Guy and we sat together. He perked up and we had a great conversation, for about two minutes. She came over, looking defeated, angry, pouting for a moment, then her face lit up and she turned to the single guy of the inner circle, hence… Single Guy.
After rubbing his thigh and flirting immensely, she needed to use the ladies room. She needed me to come with. Needed. I was getting the look. So, back in the empty bathroom she told me something that knocked me flat. “Look, Married Guy left the building and he married a slut and she’s having his baby, but I’m his soul mate. I’ve been in love with him for years. That’s why I can’t talk around him. This guy is my only chance. He’s single. If I get “in” with him, I’ll be able to get closer to the other guy. He’ll see that I’m the one for him. I’ll never get closer to Single Guy if he keeps talking to you. Why is it so easy for you to talk to anyone about anything? Please, just walk away. Let me have my chance.” Oh, yes, she did.
I was stunned. I countered with logic, of course. “You don’t even know this guy you say you love. If you don’t know him, that’s not love. Maybe, you have a crush, infatuation adoration, I don’t know. He just remarried this woman and he’s so obviously happy. He’s beaming! If you love him, then you’ll trust his judgment. Let him alone. And, furthermore, to use Single Guy as a vehicle to reach Married Guy is beyond immoral and unbelievably unethical on every level. I care about them, whether I know them well or not. I won’t let you do that.”
Her face set with determination and she looked straight into my eyes. “Oh, you’re not going to stop me.”
And, she was right…
I told him goodnight and thanked him for his generosity. I got another confused look, but endured it. I walked to the bar and was sucker punched by something I never saw coming.
There’s something I haven’t told you. Because, it’s embarrassing. Within that inner circle of four, there was one guy who did intimidate me. In this story, he will be referred to as Mentor Guy. Because, he was my mentor guy, my Mr. Miagi, if you will. (He still is to this day, though I’ve never told him and he’d never have guessed and probably not cared either.) He was underestimated by nearly everyone, unbelievably astute, yet wore a zany façade that fooled most into seeing him as just a caricature. Around him, I could not speak. I had been told he didn’t suffer fools gladly and was at a loss for words around him. He was a mentor of mine without knowing it, cultured yet down to earth, a steady upbringing and a true family man with integrity, warmth and compassion. He somehow turned zany into cool.
On many occasions, he’d seen me from a distance and protected me. I’d never known until earlier that day, in fact. Billy said “remember that guy who was bothering you that one night? He was removed from the premises. And, this time and that time and then, etc…” I thought back to all the times weirdos and jerks approached me and disappeared when I showed no interest. I was so complimented to find this out, and yet it became so short lived. It didn’t even last a day. I walked to the main bar and ordered a beer and uncannily… up walked Mentor Guy to the other end of the same bar. He eyed me in new evaluation, looked at the beer in my hand, squinted, and I then received the coldest stare I’d ever received in my life. It had come from the one person I was afraid wouldn’t like me, the one man I didn’t want to ever know I was just a geeky nerd out on the town, trying to erase that stigma and feel a sense of belonging. Mentor Guy was displeased. That mystery girl in the artsy shirt had gotten too close and, ironically, had been mistaken for one of the shallow, gold-digging whores. I was so crushed I had no words. I set down my full beer and walked away from the whole situation.
If you are the company you keep, it was time for me to change company. Ohio Girl and her need for being “in” had pulled me into a part of a nightlife I was unequipped to handle. I thought I took the high road and went back to the hotel. Thinking it was a brilliant idea, I drank a beer. And, then, I had a second and third. Yay me. I have no idea how much time passed… an hour, three, I don’t know.
She came back to the hotel room, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, she said, “Oh, Annie, I just don’t know what to do. The wrong guy likes me. He thinks I want him and he gave me the key to his hotel room. But, I only like him as a friend. I went to the other hotel room, the guy I like. The door was open and there’s a group there just sitting around to see if his slut wife goes into labor. Anyway, I told him that his buddy likes me and wants me. And, I told him I just can’t do that, because you have a huge crush on his buddy. I told him that you’ve liked him for years and I know it would never work out because he’s a partier and you’re just a innocent sweetheart from the Midwest, but because he’s so well-traveled and rich and powerful, you’re a little bit star-struck, a little obsessed with him.
“You said what????”
“Of course, I told him you weren’t dangerous and they had no reason to worry. It’s just that you had built your life around the times you got to come and see this guy in the room, even from a distance.”
“But, you know that I’ve dated a guy on and off for the last year and a half…”
“Well, he was really shocked. He said he said he had no idea and that you acted so normal. He never would have guessed. I told him that I just wanted to be a good friend. How could I date a guy you liked and still be a good friend? Well, he was soooo comforting. He told me that there was nothing I could do and that it was so sweet of me to be so considerate of you, but I needed to follow my heart.”
“Did you happen to tell him that you were just trying to impress him to get him to leave his pregnant wife and the single guy was just a pawn?”
She laughed, then talked softly again. “Of course not. Oh sweetie, you know how much you like this guy.”
“I do?”
“Oh, it’s so obvious. And, I don’t want to hurt you…. Then, I went to Single Guy and told him…”
“You…”
“He’s really angry right now. It pissed him off. He just didn’t see it coming either. He said you’ve never flirted and he had no idea. Now, he is mad he can’t be with me because of you. He even said he’d fuck you if that would mean he could fuck me…”
Tears came hard. What a low blow. I have no idea if he ever said that. He probably did. He was drunk and mad at her sudden story that made me a scapegoat after her heavy flirting. When I finally could speak…
“You just ruined my reputation. They think I’m some obsessed, crazy, small-town waif, trying to move up in the glamourous world and I’m starstruck by some powerful guy who can ‘take me places.’ And, they didn’t see that coming based on how I acted, which means that all the trust I’d earned is gone. It’s all gone.”
She smiled so sweetly, so believably my good friend. And, she said in the kindest voice, “I told you that you weren’t going to stop me.”
I was way too drunk, way too hurt, way too stunned and blubbering in tears. I left and went to my friend Billy’s room. I told him what happened and he was infuriated. He said, “I’ve known these guys for years. They meet women like her all the time. TRUST me, they will never believe that load of crap. It’s obvious who is who and what is what. Don’t even worry for a second. They would never believe that conniving, psycho bitch!” He went down the hall for ice and his phone rang. I thought he might be calling from the front desk or something with a question. So, I answered his phone. It was her target, Married Guy, looking for Billy. He recognized my voice and said, “Hey, Sweetie, while I have you on the phone, I know you don’t want to hear this right now. But, just listen. My buddy is not the right guy for you. You may think you’re in love with him, but you don’t even know him. I know how easy it can be to get obsessed with someone, but I promise you… you’re wonderful and you will meet the right guy. It’s just not him.”
I said, “But, that’s not…” and he said, “Tell Billy I called. I have to keep this line open, hon.” And, he was gone.
Never believe her? Never fall for that? Well, at least Married Guy was nice, but time told the story. Four months later she invited me out to make up for her behavior and talk to me. Then, when Single Guy found out I was coming and was afraid because I was “obsessed” with him, she ditched me. Ironically, Married Guy, her “man,” found me and brought me back to the group. He introduced me to his older son and sat me with his family. She looked visibly upset. Then, it was time to go and I got hugs and goodbyes and I was left with her. She broke into tears. It was quite a highlight, actually. She said that everything had gone wrong and, for some reason, Single Guy “thought” she liked the married guy and was not speaking to her. Simply because she laid a pillow on the married guys lap and laid down on it, and Single Guy walked in and stormed out. Poor Married Guy was left to explain her behavior to his seven year old boy. *ugh* Anyway, it was so nice to see her behavior blow up in her face. In the sweetest voice, I said, “tell me everything.” She did, and I supressed the smiles and cheers of her being recognized for the shallow, two-faced scum that she was.
I thought, for me, it could be good again. But, it was too late. Even though they “found her out,” they still had no reason to believe that I was not obsessed and trying to hook up with the single guy. I went back a few times. Single Guy, he avoided me, 2 was more wary around me and Mentor Guy, the one I admired the most, became the caricature he was known to be once again. I believe that 4 in the group remained uninvolved and unaware of the situation in its entirety. For what it’s worth, I had been demoted. Of course, I ended my pretend friendship with her, Ohio Girl. I realized that there had been so many signs of her insincerity along the way. I hadn’t wanted to see them, because I’d never been befriended by a gorgeous, trophy friend. In truth, it had made me feel important, which was my most shallow moment to date. And, I paid dearly for being so shallow. Yes, I learned a lesson, but at a cost greater than anything but death. You see, that place was my favorite place in the world. It was my escape from stress, from work, from being a dorky, scrawny, bookworm next door. It was my favorite thing to do and it had been tainted. I no longer blended in and became an equal. I stood out and became an outsider. It was not the most painful hardship of my life, but it was the hardest lesson I ever had to endure.
There are some things you can never undo, some places you can never revisit, some innocence that can never be regained, some impressions than can never be rectified. Sure, I could have told those guys “she’s making that up.” But, she was so believable I nearly wondered if I had a crush on that guy. It’s more likely they would have thought I was so humiliated I was side-stepping it to save face. I could have said that I was skittish around guys, and had they even mildly flirted they would have seen me shy away, not blossom under the affection. I did consider it. To clarify what had happened would have been to clarify that I was an awkward woman-child, who escaped in the crowds to feel a sense of belonging in one special, irreplaceable spot. To leave it be, I was viewed as an obsessed Midwesterner trying to live out some kind of big city fantasy, maybe even as a whore, looking for a hot time. I chose the lesser of two evils. I’d much rather have that inner circle of guys think me a whore, than know me flat out as a dork.
And, so, I walked away for good, from my favorite thing in the world, my favorite place in the world. Forever. It was like I’d gone to “the dark side” that night and would wear the Scarlett Letter forever. It was my own fault, too. I’m not blaming anyone but me. Everything was exactly perfect until I changed it. I had the perfect escape, the perfect place, the best moments ever. Yet, I allowed myself to be bullied and much worse… to be shallow. If I lived my life over, when that moment again arose, I would never have crossed that line.
I think of the lyrics to a Nickelback song (please, please…. humor me here) and they express how I feel about that moment in time: a beautiful memory, a lesson learned, a betrayal that stole a piece of my heart, a place that shifted from refuge to refuse.
“I miss that town, I miss the faces / You can’t erase, You can’t replace it / I miss it now, I can’t believe it / So hard to stay, Too hard to leave it… / If I could I relive those days, I know the one thing that would never change…”
The truth is: sometimes, you lose.
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